Science Finds Soft Complaints More Effective than Anger
You might think that "letting off steam" and complaining about someone when you're mad at them will help you feel better. But studies have found that this doesn't actually work — and it might even make you angrier.
Complaining about people you're mad at can have a different effect, though — it can make others like them less.
In a recent study, participants from the US were asked to read different short stories, or "vignettes." In these vignettes, participants were told they were taking a break from work when a good friend — called the "speaker" — came to them with a complaint about a second, mutual friend, who was called the "target."
The speaker said the target had canceled dinner plans at the last minute — leaving the speaker sitting alone.
In some stories, the speaker was very angry, and even called the target bad names.
In others, the speaker was softer, and started by sitting down with a sigh, saying, "I'm so frustrated and hurt right now."
After reading, participants were asked how much they liked each of these two friends.
When the speaker was angry — and especially when they used bad names — participants didn't like either friend very much.
But when the speaker was softer, mentioning their own hurt and frustration, participants had a better impression of them. Participants also had a very negative impression of the target — and those negative feelings were stronger when the speaker called them bad names.
However, the soft approach didn't work when participants were told they thought the speaker was really just mad at the target for dating their crush. In this case, the story just made participants like the target more than the speaker.
The researchers said people probably already use this technique when competing for friendships in real life: using soft-seeming complaints to create negative impressions of others, while hiding feelings of rivalry to keep themselves from looking bad.
